


Say Something

by LadiesSocialClub



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Establish Relationship (sort of), F/M, Late Night Ruminations, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 05:55:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16655476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadiesSocialClub/pseuds/LadiesSocialClub
Summary: Kate thinks back over her relationship with Gibbs and the pain that can sometimes come with being in love with a complicated man.





	Say Something

**Author's Note:**

> This all started with a song I heard on the radio (Say Something by Great Big World) and just made me think of how Gibbs is someone that it would be extremely hard to be in love with. I wrote it very quickly, so I'm not sure how it will read to anyone else, but I hope there are no glaring mistakes and that it is enjoyable nonetheless.
> 
> Undecided about whether there will be a second chapter resolving some of the angst or if it will just remain as is. I'm marking it as complete but that may change.
> 
> Cheers

Theirs had never been an normal relationship.  If you could even call it a relationship.

Kate could remember, vividly, how it had begun.

 _She heard the knock on her front door, but her bone-deep weariness kept her stationed on the couch.  She didn’t care who was there – there was_ no one _that she wanted to see right now.  She just wanted to be alone._

_She had been taken hostage today in her own office, a place where she was meant to be safe.  There was nothing anyone could say to make it better.  Nothing that could heal Gerald’s shoulder.  Nothing that could mend Gibbs' arm.  Nothing that could wash away her guilt and confusion about having the opportunity to stab that bastard but not taking it._

_The knocking didn’t stop.  She just wanted it to stop._

_She’d finally gone to the door and opened it._

_And there he was.  Brown coat, silver hair, blue eyes.  Furious blue eyes._

_The next thing she knew, she was pressed against the inside of her closed front door, her boss pressed full-length against her, their lips dueling for control in a scorching kiss, his sling-hindered arm trapped between them._

She could remember how the next morning she had awoken to an empty bed and, if it wasn’t for the fact that her normally impeccably neat bedroom looked like a warzone (sheets, blankets, pillows, clothes, _everywhere_ ), it might’ve been a dream.

In some ways it hadn’t surprised her that it had come to this.  There had been plenty of heated moments between them over the preceding few months.  In other ways, though, she never would have believed that he would take that step.

The next time she saw him at work, he acted as if it had never happened.  She had to remind herself that she couldn’t have imagined the scent of him on her pillowcase.  It _had_ happened.

Kate had had to keep reminding herself of that over the next weeks.  Sure, there were moments when it had seemed like there was a degree more of intimacy before, but nothing major.  Not until the night that they arrested Mrs. Foley and Petty Officer Curtin.

_“DiNozzo.  Take him outside,” Gibbs’ voice left no room for argument or discussion._

_Tony disappeared after one eyebrow-waggle at Kate – and one look of disgust from her._

_Kate turned and squared her shoulders, her brown eyes meeting Gibbs’ icy blue ones._

_She watched his pupils dilate and it didn’t take a profiler to know that he very much approved of this outfit._

_She had to admit (to herself, anyway), she reveled in the feeling of his eyes traveling up and down her body.  She could have sworn she felt the heat in his gaze brushing against her skin._

_“I’ll call McGee and update him,” she said, not giving him time to speak._

_She grinned to herself when she heard his long slow exhale once she was in the hallway._

That night as she and Tony had returned to the office, she’d been in a wonderful mood, half expecting that Gibbs would show up at her door again, but then, with the reappearance of his mystery red-headed companion, she remembered that he had a life and she should get one too.

Enter Dwayne.

Poor, sweet Dwayne.  He really had been a nice guy.

She wasn’t even sure how exactly Gibbs had learned about him, but it was clear that he knew, somehow.  The look of pure venom he had sent her when she asked if they had to search Pacci’s house that night had been enough to prove to her that he definitely knew.

 _“So…_ Dwayne _…?” he said to her.  They were in his car headed for the port to interview anyone Pacci had talked to on Voss’s old ship._

_“What about him?” Kate asked._

_He looked at her, his blue eyes blazing, but said nothing more._

_She wanted to bite back.  To challenge him about why it was any of his business.  If he was interested, all he had to do was say something.  All he had to do was stop pretending that nothing had ever happened between them._

_What did he expect?  For her to become a hermit and wait for him to decide that he wanted something more_ if _he ever decided that he wanted more?_

_No.  She was a strong and independent woman who marched to no man’s drum and if he wasn’t going to act, then she was going to move on with her life._

She should have known that he wasn’t going to drop it.  She should have known that her non-answer was not enough.  She should have known, when he had decided that she was going to partner him for the stakeout after spending nearly the entire day together in semi-icy silence that something had to give.

_“Still just sitting there reading,” Kate sighed._

_“Bored, Agent Todd?” Gibbs challenged her from where he was sitting at the desk._

_“Maybe a little,” she admitted reluctantly._

_Kate felt him behind her._

_She turned and he was close.  She could feel his heat radiating off of him.  She opened her mouth to ask him what the hell he was doing, but he placed a finger to her lips, silently shushing her._

_Kate stared at him._

_He pointed to the mic right behind her.  The mic that was recording every single sound across the street, but that would also record anything they said.  Any noise they made.  When it was pointed out the window it wouldn’t pick up small noises in their apartment because of the way it was designed, but it would still pick up voices right next to it._

_She quirked at eyebrow at him._

_He stared right back._

_When he had come to her apartment that night, weeks ago, he had been the one to initiate the physical contact._

_One could argue that he had initiated it again by coming so close to her, but this time…this time, she was the one that lunged._

_She pushed him against the far wall, sealing her lips against his.  If she had paused to think, she would have wondered what the hell had gotten into her.  Not only was this her boss, but they were on a goddamn stakeout.  They were supposed to be_ working _._

_Not to mention, for weeks, he had been ignoring the fact that they had had sex._

_But she didn’t think.  At least, she didn’t think past how good he looked in that light blue shirt.  She didn’t think past how good it felt to have his body pressed against her.  She didn’t think about how something that felt so right could still be a bad idea._

_Instead, she just felt.  She felt his arms band around her tightly, lifting her to her tip-toes as he got a better angle on her mouth.  She felt the warm skin of his neck under her lips and tongue when she trailed kisses and nibbles there._

_She felt his rough fingers move with purpose under her comfortable green shirt and up to her bra and unhook it while the other hand moved the soft cups of it aside and feasted, instead, on her skin._

_She felt the cotton of his shirt contrasting with the hardness of the buttons as she worked them apart quickly and efficiently, desperate to feel his skin against hers._

_She felt every single moment and movement that led to her biting down hard on his neck as she came, to keep herself quiet, and that led to his face that contorted into near agony as he fought to keep himself silent as he emptied himself into her._

_It took a few minutes before her breathing was calm enough that she felt she could move.  She slipped her legs down from his sides and looked at him and almost laughed at what she saw.  He looked like a crazed sex-fiend, his pants and boxers around his ankles, shoes still on, his blue button-up shirt unbuttoned and flapping open, his white undershirt pushed up high on his chest.  His hair was in disarray where she knew her fingers had grasped it tightly as their mouths sealed together._

_He was watching her with a shadow of a smirk and she knew she must not look much better.  She stooped to retrieve her pants and underwear, which had been abandoned at their feet.  Impulsively, she pressed a kiss right on his abdomen above his pubic hair.  He almost groaned – she could feel his stomach clench against her._

_They were both dressed and looked each other over to ensure that what had just happened didn’t show.  She nodded at him after giving him one more inspection and he returned the gesture._

_Kate turned to go back to her perch at the window when his hand shot out and grasped her gently around the neck and jaw, turning her back toward him._

_He reeled her in and kissed her.  Soft and sweet.  The way you would kiss a lover, not someone you had just screwed against the wall in complete silence for fear that the mic across the room would catch the sounds._

It was that kiss, Kate reflected.  It was that kiss that had started this whole mess.

Before that kiss, she had been intrigued by him and, obviously, attracted to him.  But after that kiss…it had changed the way she had looked at him.

On deeper reflection, perhaps that wasn’t completely true.  It was that kiss coupled with the pain that she saw in his eyes immediately after shooting Amanda Reed and the time that he took going through Pacci’s things that changed the way she looked at him.

He was a bastard, sure, but he was so much more.

It was that realization that had taken her to his door that night. 

It was unlocked, of course, but she knocked anyway.  She wanted him to have to decide whether to let her in or not.

He did. 

Kate stayed there all weekend long, leaving his bed only for food and to take a shower on Monday morning before returning to the office as if nothing had happened.

But it had.  Something had happened.  For Kate, anyway.

They slept together that weekend, sure.  But they had talked and laughed too.  They had shared stories about their lives before they had met.

Kate told him about how she had been on the presidential detail during the September 11th attacks.  She told him about the abject horror that she had seen in the president’s eyes that day.  The horror she had felt in her own stomach.

She told him about the time she had been called to the residence because the president was found unconscious.  She told him how they were the most terrifying few minutes of her life because there was nothing she could do if he was having a medical event.  She told him how she had been relieved, but also annoyed, when she’d found out that the reason he had passed out was because he had choked on a pretzel.

Gibbs told her some hilarious stories about his days as a probationary agent at NCIS and about his old mentor, Mike Franks.

They laughed so hard that Kate had tears running down her face and the muscles in Gibbs’ cheeks were twitching from so much use.

That night, Sunday night, they had fallen asleep in each other’s arms, his nose buried in her hair, soaking in the scent.

He fell asleep first and she could feel all the tension flow out of his body that was wrapped around her.  She couldn’t believe how natural it felt.

Something had happened to Kate during that weekend.   Something had changed.  She saw the real side of him, the side that he kept hidden from most everyone.  And she really liked what she saw. 

The following weekend she wasn’t entirely sure what to do.  She could feel herself slipping into a very dangerous undertow that was pulling her irresistibly towards him after only one weekend.  She decided to stay away.

On Friday night, though, he appeared at her door with a bottle of red wine and a bag of Chinese carry-out.

He had stayed all weekend.

Wrapped in her sheets, Gibbs told her about his most recent wife and how he had known even before he asked her to marry him that it was never going to work out.  He paused a few moments as if he was going to try and explain why he’d done it anyway, but ended up shrugging and shaking his head.

He told her about breaking his arm as a child when he and his best friend were riding bikes down a steep hill in town.

He told her about his dad’s owning a general store and being a pilot in World War II. 

On Monday morning, he kissed her at her front door as if it was something that they had been doing for years and would be doing for the rest of their lives.

She was falling in love with him.  Rapidly.  And it just got worse and worse, deeper and deeper over the next weeks until they spent nearly every minute together.  At work during the day and at his house or in her apartment at night, it didn’t much matter. 

Kate knew that there was more to him that he wasn’t sharing, but slowly tiny little tidbits slipped out and she stored each of them away, waiting until she had enough to put the whole puzzle together.

But Ari had changed things.  Again.  It seemed that Ari Haswari was connected to all of the changes in their relationship.

She could see it in Gibbs’ eyes that afternoon, when it was all over and they had come to get her.  Something was different.  He had a slightly panicked look in his eyes as he scanned her from head to toe, his eyes narrowing slightly when they passed over her lip.

_“Agent Todd.  Are you injured?” he asked, his voice unreadable._

_“No.  I’m okay,” she told him, trying to communicate with him using her eyes._

_But after that slightly panicked look, his eyes had shut down.  They were icy and blank._  

_Over the previous weeks, she’d become used to his eyes twinkling at her with warmth and mirth, even at work, but now…now there was nothing._

_He turned and walked away without another word._

_“Kate…you okay?” Tony asked, pulling her from her reverie._

_She glanced back over at Gibbs’ retreating back.  “Uh yeah…yeah, I think so.”_

He hadn’t appeared at her door that night.

She went to his the next night. 

_“Agent Todd,” he’d greeted her without looking up as she entered the house without knocking and came down the basement stairs to where he was working on the boat._

_She glanced over at the couch in the corner, over the last weeks she’d spent quite a few hours on that couch, sketching or reading as he worked.  It looked cold and lonely now._

_“Hi.”_

_“How’s the lip?” he asked, barely looking up at her._

_“Swelling is going down.  Ducky said it will be fine.”_

_He nodded._

_She felt like there was a gulf between them.  This was the man that she had grown so close to that she felt like sometimes he knew her better than she knew herself and vice versa.  Suddenly though…he was unreachable._

_“Gibbs…what’s going on?” she asked him._

_He stopped sanding and looked up at her, his face pinched in an annoyed question.  It was a look she had seen him give Tony when Tony said something particularly daft._

_She knew he wanted her to continue.  She could see it in his face, in his stance.  He wanted her to say something that he could get angry at, that he could throw back in her face.  But she wasn’t going to do that._

_She just looked right back at him._

_“Something has to be going on because I choose to spend my time alone?  In case you haven’t realized, I don’t owe_ anyone _anything.  What I do with my time is my business,” he bit out after staring her down but seeing that she wasn’t going to rise to his challenge._

_She felt like she’d been slapped.  “I never said that you owe me anything.  I thought…I thought maybe you would want to talk to someone.”_

_“About_ what _, Kate?” he asked.  There was something in his voice, in his eyes, that was so bitter and angry that it almost scared her._

_“Anything.”_

_“Yeah, well you thought wrong.”_

_She looked at him a moment longer and then nodded slowly.  “Okay.  Well you know where I’ll be if that changes.”_

_Kate didn’t give him a chance to say anything else.  She didn’t give him a chance to hurt her any further._

_She’d managed to hold it together until she’d gotten home.  Then the hot tears flowed down her cheeks.  Truth was, she had honestly believed that there was something between them and that it meant something to him, not just to her.  She had honestly believed that if she went there tonight he would tell her what was bothering him, what was scaring him, and they could talk and be angry and scared together._

_She cursed herself for being so foolish – he had never pretended to be something that he wasn’t.  Why was she so blind as to believe that he would change for her, especially in such a short time?_

If only it had actually ended then, maybe she would have been better off.  She could have had her weekend of sorrow and self-pity and moved on with her life.

If only.

Instead, he’d shown up at her door the next morning.  He hadn’t apologized – of course he hadn’t – but he had admitted that he was worried about her and glad that she was okay.

He’d come in and they’d had coffee together and he had left not long after.

Since then…it had never gone back to those blissful weeks at the beginning.

They saw each other at work, but way more often than not, he spent the night at his house and she spent the night at hers. 

She even started going out on dates again.  She hadn’t slept with any of them – hadn’t even come close, but at least some of them made her feel like something more than a dirty secret.

There was always a chance, though, that one of them would break and show up at the other’s and for a few hours in the night, it would seem good again, but Kate knew, deep down that it was broken and continuing on this way was self-destructive.

She looked over at the sleeping man beside her.  She wanted to lay down and have him wrap his arms around her and tell her that it would all be fine.  She wanted him to say _something_ to convince her that this hadn’t all been a huge mistake and that she wasn’t something he had come to regret.

Here, in the dark of night in his house, she could admit to herself.  She loved him.  She loved him so much that she didn’t know what to do about it anymore.  And yet, she had never felt so small and alone.  So powerless.

She knew that she had to just give up on him becoming a man who could put all of his baggage aside and just be with her.  Or share his baggage with her so that they could move on together.

But how do you give up on someone that you love?  How do you give up on something that you cherish? 

Maybe he was right.  Maybe romance between agents never works out.


End file.
